Real Talk- Holding On To Resentment

I was driving home from work tonight, talking to one of my best friends on the phone. We were discussing issues, or to be specific the issue that is my mother. My mother, who I like to describe as a force of nature. She's a tornado, a hurricane, and typhoon all I one, and growing up with this kind of energy has been difficult to say the least. Needless to say I've developed a shit load of resentments regarding her. So I was discussing one of these resentments with my friend on my drive home and she said to me "D you need to let that go...You're not hurting her by holding on to it...You're just hurting yourself." And in my heart I already know this, but I told my friend "We'll I'm not ready to let it go yet!" Had a little attitude too, and I had the nerve to tell my friend I'd call her back. Something I tend to do when I know she's right and I'm wrong.

My response to her got me to thinking, why am I holding on to this? Why can't I just let it go? And when I honestly think about it, just being brutally honest with myself, it's because it allows me to play the victim, the wounded party, the person you wronged! We assume different roles in each of our relationships with others, and I'm realizing that in my relationship with my mother, I've allowed myself to play the victim. The beauty in being the victim is that you don't have to take responsibility for how your life turns out. I'm this, because you did or didn't do that, which is a cop out!

So how do I stop? Shit if I know! It was only a 40 minute drive. I guess recognizing that it's a problem is the first step. What I do after that? Who knows! But introspection is a powerful tool to living a more authentic and self actualized life. I'll share more, when more comes to me!

Someone once described resentment to me like this. You drank the poison, but you waiting on them to die.