I was talking with some friends a few days ago, and like most of our conversations, the subject of love and relationships was the topic du jour. My friend Kaiwan asked the question "Do you think there is someone for everyone?" There was a quick pause, and you could almost hear everyone’s brains pondering this question. Then Tam said, "Dani why don't you take this one". And I have a good idea why she directed the conversation to me. Unfortunately women of a certain age, of which I and Tam fall into, know the answer to this question all too well. And I don't want to come off like a single bitter sister, because I'm not necessarily bitter, at least not anymore. But for older women, especially black women, we've already come to terms with the fact that statistically there isn't someone for everyone.
The fact is 45% of black women are single and never been married, compared to 23% of our white counterparts. For black women of a certain education level the odds are equally not in our favor when it comes to getting married. For black women the more education you have the less likely you are to get married. So smart women are less desirable? Yeah this one shocked me to, but I guess it shouldn't because I see it in my own family. My female cousins without college degrees are married, and I and my cousins with degrees are single. So...black men don't want to marry educated black women? That's a question for whole other blog!
So the fact remains...a woman like me...black, educated, independent, intelligent, sophisticated, cultured, and completely fabulous, probably will never marry. And people wonder why black women have an attitude. So I and Tam are left with just a few options. Do we resign ourselves to our lonely fates, or do we seek companionship outside our race? Black men have been exercising their options to date other races for years. Much to many a black woman’s chagrin.
As for me...Daniealle...what I feel today....subject to change at any time...is that I don't really see me dating any other race. I don't know...maybe this type of thinking is why I'm single. I've always said that I was open to dating outside my race, but honestly I've never seriously pursued it. I’m not one of those people…the ones who say they don’t even see color. We’ll I see color…bold and vivid color. I admit it, I have some racial hang ups. Once again...another topic for another blog!
So I guess that leaves me alone. And just a few years ago that very thought would send me into a depression. But the older I get the more comfortable I'm becoming with myself. I kinda like me now, and although I'd love to have someone to share my life with, it's not my end all goal. I'm fine with being single...not happy...not completely content...but fine...far from bitter...but fine. Hey it took me a couple of years and lots of therapy to get to fine...SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Yes, I honestly believe there is someone for everyone....Everyone deserves someone special to share their lives with.."Soul Mates"...However most people choose to be alone and not share their lives with a special someone....I haved dated two caucasian guys and it's no different...Men will be men...Other ethnicities are just human beings with a different color tone from ours.....GOD has plans for everyone and HE will send you your *Angel* in due time.....When HE does send you your *Angel*...just be prepared and recognize your *Angel* that GOD sent from the average guy disguised as an ~~Angel~~ who is there for a certain purpose to benefit theirselves....
ReplyDeleteI love your new blogs Dani!
So where was I at when this conversation was going on, but I do believe that there is someone for everyone I know it sounds very cliche, but I do believe if we stick to the standards we have built over our past relationships and never make a compromise on those standards that we will eventually find someone, I do believe that Jay(me) is a very independent, loving and loyal person and very much capable of having that someone but since at this very moment I don't, then it is just not time for me have that "significant other" at the moment, and I accept that. I will admit in my recent relationship last year I did compromise my standards with all the red flags in front of me but just went along for the ride and of course had to give his ASS the boot...ooop excuse me, thats the little bitterness coming out lmao! Of course if you remember Dani my little spill the other night, my mind got to thinking, but thats a whole other topic that I will share with you personally =) Great post!! Lots Of Lub ♥♥~jAy~♥♥
ReplyDelete'But the older I get the more comfortable I'm becoming with myself...'
ReplyDeleteThat line of self-realization jumps out at me and pretty much sums me up. I, too, am a man of a 'certain' age & I have recently (if not everyday) asked myself the question you posed (Someone for Everyone? In particular, Someone for Me?).
But, as my life speeds towards early-thirties-dom, I am realizing that I am extremely independent, self-aware and comfortable with myself. The question arises in my mind, 'Am I too independent & controlling...to the point that I'm trying to 'control' how love finds me?'
In the words of my muse...LET IT FLOW...
I love you--you know I love but I don't believe the hype.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are about taking risk and chances to put yourself out there in an uncomfortable position--and some may not want to try and try again.
I don't buy the black male, lack of, or not wanting educated women belief. I believe that we become what we believe...honestly I do--crazy as it may seem.
This is from someone that has dated inside and outside of my race. There has been no greater joy than finding, losing, and loathing the crazy love thang.......
and thats why we wanted you to answer this question....very well said. i am too FINE! But I know he's out there. i'm just having fun hanging with YOU being a jetsetter..lol
ReplyDeleteluvs ya!
And this is why I wanted you to answer the question :)
ReplyDeleteI will be 29 this year and regardless what everybody else says, I feel FINE. I am educated, I have a great job, my car is paid for, and I do bave a boyfriend that I have been with for a while. But my problem has been with people who look at me with shock when they see that I have no kids. Why is it such a shock to be a black girl with no kids and I am doing it ALL for myself? I used to be in such a rush with time that I forgot how to enjoy life and I did not let things grow. So right now I am letting myself grow and everyday I am getting better and better. But Tam is doing this on her own time. I am not in a race because sometimes i have to smell the flowers. And when I need coffee, my boyfriend is there to get it for me. But its a partnership: we make the coffee together.
Hopefully there someone for everyone but some people enjoy the single life and some need a man or woman with them on there journey. Only time will tell if there someone for everyone.
ReplyDeleteSo, when do short brothers get a chance?
ReplyDelete